Family Matters: The Lean, Mean Urkel Machine Review

We all remember those terrible 80s and 90s Friday night sitcoms. Shows such as Boy Meets World, ALF, and Full House not only brought home the ratings, but sold a shitload of merchandise. From backpacks to bobbleheads, tons of people bought this crap. Thus, it came as no surprise that a junior novelization based on an episode of Family Matters was produced. This 80-page travesty was entitled "Family Matters: The Lean, Mean Urkel Machine" by Bonnie Worth. I hate myself, so I'll review it. I will be reviewing this "novel" on a scale from 1-10. 10 being Different Seasons by Stephen King and 1 being every novel ever written by Danielle Steele. Let's do this thang!

CHARACTERS: Carl Winslow: He is the man of the house. He lives with his wife Harriett, his daughter Laura, and his son Eddie. He is an African-American and lives in Chicago, working as a police officer (in lamen's terms, an asshole.) Oh, yeah, and he's overweight, which makes him a douchebag.

Harriett Winslow: She is Carl's wife and a stay-at-home mom. She's barely in the book, so we shan't talk of her any further.

Mother Winslow: Carl's senile mother. She's always feeding her son unhealthy shit, which contributes to his obesity. That's some bullshit!

Laura Winslow: Carl's daughter. She's fourteen years old and is kind of a bitch. She hates Steve Urkel. Speaking of...

Steve Urkel: The Winslow's next door neighbor. He has an attraction to Laura Winslow and is always making advances towards her, even though she regularly vocalizes her disinterest towards him. After going insane due to sexual frustration, Steve waits for the Winslows to leave for the day, breaks into their house, sneaks into Laura's room, and masturbates into her underwear drawer. No, wait... that was me. Steve is the stereotypical nerd. He has a crew-cut, wears his pants all the way up to his chest, wears suspenders, and has glasses. He also has annoying catchphrases, such as, "Did I do that?" and refers to Laura as his "lady love". Everyone in the Winslow house hates him, except for Mother Winslow.

STORY: This book has two stories (Like one wasn't enough.) The first story opens with the Winslows sitting around the kitchen table, talking about what an idiot Steve Urkel is. When Mother Winslow overhears this conversation, she sticks up for Steve, reminding her relatives about the time when Steve risked life-and-limb for Laura. Laura says she doesn't remember, so of course, Mother Winslow rehashes the damn story. Yes, the entire story is a freaking flashback. In this story, Steve asks Laura to the school dance. Of course, Laura turns him down. The next day at school, Steve is rooting around in his locker when he notices the school bully Willie harassing Laura. Trying to defend his "lady love", Steve walks over to Willie, trying as best he can to stick up to him. Here's an excerpt from the book: [Steve pulled off his mitten. "Sir, I will have you know that it is people such as yourself who put the 'ick' in pathetic. Not only have you harassed and insulted me, but you have sullied the reputation of my lady love..." Before Willie could figure out what all those big words meant, Steve slapped him clean across the face with his mitten. Willie was too amazed to do much of anything at first. Then he started to sputter. "He ... he hit me ... with his mitten!" he said to Waldo, and to anyone else who would listen. A crowd had gathered, hoping for a fight. Waldo nodded. "Be careful. He's got another one."] Wow. And I thought Mark Twain was the great American novelist. Willie tries to fight Steve, but the principal interferes. He suggests that if Steve and Willie want to finish the fight, they can do it at the gym infront of an audience on the weekend. They both agree to this, and go to their classes. After school, Carl decides to train Steve in the art of boxing, even though he hates him. Steve learns almost nothing. However, he does learn the "Urkel shuffle". Basically, he just dances around in the ring, trying to avoid getting punched in his smug, nerdy face. This acts as foreshadowing later in the story, but you probably knew that already. On the big day, all the Winslows show up for the match. So, in fact, does the entire school. Seats are filled with people all excited to see Urkel get a beatdown. And boy does he ever! Willie puts Urkel down four times in Round 1! Somehow, Urkel keeps getting back up. Just when it looks like Urkel is on his last life, Carl yells from the stands, "The Urkel Shuffle!". And shuffle Urkel does. And guess what? Willie still beats the shit out of him! However, a guy in the stands yells "If Urkel can take you, I can take you!". Before you know it, the entire audience wants to fight Willie, and Willie bolts for the door, leaving Urkel to win by forfit. Of course, Laura goes to the school dance with Steve. Didn't see that one coming... That concludes the most underwhelming story of all time. My big question is how could Laura not remember that happening? Why did she need Mother Winslow to refresh her memory? Wouldn't that be the most memorable thing ever? Either Laura has Alzheimer's or she's a complete fucking moron. Now let's dig into the second story. Carl Winslow comes home from work looking scared-shitless. When his wife asks him what's wrong, he replies that he had to chase a criminal on top of the Sears Tower, the tallest building in Chicago. It turns out that Carl has a fear of heights. The culprit gets away, and Carl ends up looking like a pussy. Enter Steve Urkel. Steve overhears Carl explaining the scene and puts in his two cents. He claims he can cure Carl somehow. Not believing Urkel, Carl calls bullshit and ignores Steve. Just when Carl starts to leave the room, his police chief knocks on the door. Carl's boss walks in and explains to him that if he can't get over his fear of heights, he can no longer work on the force. After the chief leaves, Urkel once again, asks Carl if he can help him. Carl gives in and the next day, they talk to a hot air balloon pilot. Carl is extremely nervous and doesn't want to do it, but Urkel insists and before they know, they're in the balloon. The pilot leaves to go check the fuel and of course, Steve screws everything up. He pulls the gas lever and sends the balloon floating into the great beyond. Carl, scared stupid, shuts his eyes and lays down, but Urkel tries to reassure Carl that everything will be all right. He tells Carl to look out over the edge of the balloon, and he does. Is he cured now? No. Now he's even more terrified! WOOSH! What do you know? A giant gust of wind knocks Urkel out of the balloon, and Carl assumes that Steve is sidewalk soup. But wait! Carl can hear Urkel's annoying, squeaky voice screaming for help! Carl looks over the side of the balloon and notices Steve hanging off the side. In a very cliche fashion, Carl forgets his fear of heights and saves Steve's scrawny ass. That's it? That's the end? Yes. Yes it is.

THE AUTHOR: Bonnie Worth. I had never heard of her prior to this retro outing, so I looked at her bibliography. She's written several children's books, including "Babe: Pigs and Robbers" based upon the hit movie Babe.(Interesting, are the 'pigs' she's referring to the actual pigs or police officers?) She's also written "Looking for Bigfoot" and the American literary classic, "Muppet Babies: I Can Go Potty". Nice.

OVERALL: Yes, I do realize that this book was aimed at children. Yes, I do realize that Family Matters was one of the biggest shows at the time of this book's publication, but why make a novel out of it? Family Matters wasn't the only sitcom guilty of this. Full House also converted some of their episodes into junior novel form. I haven't read any of those, and I don't plan to. Look, if you're going to make a novel based upon a hit television show, don't do Family Matters or Full House. Do a good one, like The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air or Quantum Leap. It wasn't just that the book was badly written (which it was.), but that the book was based on an already aired episode of the show. Hmmm.... Should I read the novel for 80 minutes or watch the episode for 22 minutes? Tough choice. I found that the novel was full of cliches and terrible one-liners. Also, was there really that much demand for a Family Matters novelization? God, television was pure shit in the 80s and 90s. The mind can only take so many episodes of Charles in Charge before it snaps in half. Do yourself a favor and go read some Stephen King or Clive Barker. Family Matters: The Lean, Mean Urkel Machine gets a 3/10.

Sincerely,

Mr. Retro

P.S.,

The next article will be a sexually explicit Sega Genesis game called Jizz Wars. The graphics are ugly and it's more hilarious then offensive. Regardless, you are forewarned.