A Half-Assed Review: Jizz Wars

WARNING: I have two important things to say before this review.
1.) The game I'm about to review is called Jizz Wars. No, it's not a browser-based game on Facebook. It's a "pornographic" Sega Genesis Asteroids clone. If any of you are offended by 32-bit penises blasting jungle juice at other penises, approach with caution.
2.) This is my first "Half-Assed" review. A Half-Assed review is basically a shorter review than usual. In other words, the review is shorter because I stayed up all night watching Avatar instead of writing this article.
Thanks for listening and enjoy the experience that is "Half-Assed: Jizz Wars Review".

I've seen some pretty messed up video games in my life. Abadox had you flying a spaceship and shooting your way through a monster's innards. Custer's Revenge let you play as the infamous Gen. Custer, raping a tied-up Indian on a cactus. Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em consisted of the players (two women) looking up at a building, as a man who masturbated dropped semen into their mouths. How the hell do you top that? Meet Jizz Wars. A game where you play as a penis and shoot other penises with cum. Oh, yeah, and it plays exactly like Asteroids... except it sucks. This is supposedly a Genesis game, but the graphics look reminiscent of the NES. For some reason, a naked woman is floating around in the background of the game. I think this is because they needed something to make the game less homoerotic, but penises shooting penises with man-chowder can't be that gay! Yes, yes it is. In Jizz Wars, you fly around on the screen as a dong and try to blast away other dongs. The problem? The controls are awful. How do you fuck up the controls for an Asteroids clone? I have no damn clue. The A button kicks in your "thrusters" and the C button fires the jizz. Did I get to mention that you get to choose the color of your cock before you jump into the game? The color selection is abundant and plentiful: peach, grey, yellow, brown, peachy-brown, white, lime, pink, orange, and forest green. Look, if my cock is forest green then I've probably contracted Haitian Souring Penis Disease. There is literally no music in the game, and when you fire, there's only a little 'bleep' sound. I'd understand if this was a Game Boy cart or an Atari 2600 game, but this is Sega fucking Genesis! The system that brought us the Sonic the Hedgehog series! Also, I went online to research the game, and I could find nothing about it. MobyGames.com had no info on it. AllGame.com had nothing. Shit, GameFaqs.com didn't even have any information. And then I noticed on the title screen of the game, that a company named RJSoft released the game. Hmmmm.... interesting. I had never heard of this so called RJSoft. It turns out that RJSoft is a homebrew developer that were also behind the homebrew ROM AstroDuel. That explained the shitty music and NES graphics. Not to diss homebrew ROMS. It's just that this one happened to be a burning pile of dog shit. All in all, a terrible concept and terrible execution make this a terrible download. Jizz Wars gets a 1/10.

Sincerely,
Mr. Retro

P.S.,
The next article is going to be a massive 101 best movies of all time list. My good friend Robby014 will be guest-writing with me. You can find his blog at the following URL: http://robby014blog.blogspot.com/
You can also find the perfectly legal Jizz Wars ROM at: http://www.coolrom.com/roms/genesis/5543/Jizz_Wars.php